On Sunday, I’ll fly out to Austin for my first-ever trip to SXSW. Veterans of the festival will surely tell me that I missed the boat on the event’s golden years, and that the SXSW of the past few years has become a corporate nightmare of brand-induced seizures and status-seeking culture whores. And judging by advents like the stage mocked up to look like a giant Doritos vending machine (pictured above), these critics aren’t wrong.
So what better way to prepare for the worst SXSW indulgences than with the parody Twitter account SXSW Partyzzzzz? The feed is stylized as a sort of party guide for the worst people on the planet. In the world crafted by whatever genius runs this handle, Lana Del Rey is performing at a “cloud appreciation seminar” at “Uber’s surge price cabana.” To RSVP, simply download this calculator app, the account implores.
Other events you don’t want to miss are Spotify’s brunch rave, WhatsApp’s quinoa fountain, and a truly terrifying singles mixer/job fair sponsored by Blackberry. Accepted methods of RSVP’ing to these events include asking an Uber driver to take you to the Deep Web, lying to people about seeing Selma, and “being okay with Adam Levine’s whole deal.”
What makes the account all the more soul-sucking is that it’s clearly modeled after an entirely sincere account called SXSWPartyList, which waxes rhapsodic about actual events like a “breakfast tacos + oxygen bar” sponsored by State Farm Insurance, and a “jogging brunch.”
With Hipster Runoff dead and gone, I’m glad to see accounts like @SXSWPartyzzzzz continuing to piss in the world’s collective ironic 4Loko cocktail. I realize there’s nothing inherently wrong with themed brunches, cloud computing, or even quinoa. But what’s really under attack here is the status and superiority SXSW-goers seek to gain through these tech-hipster trappings. Considered in a vacuum, there are plenty of interesting companies and good bands to check out at the festival — especially if you stay off the beaten path that’s crowded with too-cool-for-school douchebags.
Then again, maybe it’s best to heed what appears to be SXSWPartyzzzzz’s most retweeted #PartyTip:
“Avoid long lines by not attending SXSW.”